In my last column, I promised my valued readers that this month’s fare would be more on topic concerning the game. Being a man of my word (depending on who you ask), that is exactly what I intend to do in the following paragraphs. Mind you, I did not say it would be without controversy, so I would expect that some of you may take exception to this particular discourse, so consider yourselves forewarned.

Women’s issues within the sporting universe always seem to generate spirited debate. Two of the most recent hot-button items lately in that regard are: 1) the long-winded Hootie Johnson – Martha Burk debate concerning women’s membership issues at Augusta National Golf Club, and 2) the impending collapse of the Women’s National Basketball Association. With the appearance of 48 (not 4800 or 48,000) Burk supporters a half-mile from Butler Cabin, the Augusta debate is on life-support until it is resurrected sometime around next Easter (pun intended). The WNBA issue is just finding its legs with the mainstream media and it will receive increasing attention. And while most of America is not aware of it (nor will they care), there is a third item that we, as bowlers, should be acutely attuned to: the slow, agonizing death spiral of the Professional Women’s Bowling Association (PWBA).

Now let me get something straight right up front … I will watch professional bowling on TV no matter the gender. Good bowling is good bowling regardless of whose body is attached to the hand that delivers the ball. Anyone who understands the game knows that a professional female bowler can compete with a professional male bowler on any given day. In our game, superior physical strength does not assure ultimate victory. I say this to make a point ... the product currently offered to the American public by the PWBA is woefully inadequate to sustain this organization for the long term. The 18-34 age demographic that corporate sponsors lust after cannot be satisfactorily nourished by the milquetoast presently being served by the PWBA. As much as I love bowling, this fare is difficult to swallow.

I must profess ignorance about the ratings numbers that ESPN/ESPN2 generates from the PWBA, but my guess is that they are less than exhilarating to the powers that be. Certainly they are in the same category as the (now cancelled) Phil Donahue circus that aired for some 6 months on the MSNBC cable channel. So what should the PWBA do in order to get a bump in the ratings? First of all, get some interesting commentators, for God’s sake! It would be quite an improvement to see if they could steal away the duo from the USA Network that do The Annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show! Trust me, if a couple of guys can create enthusiasm for a 6-hour dog show over the course of two nights, they could certainly work magic for 90 minutes of women’s bowling! The current crew (and I couldn’t even tell you who they are, nor do I care) should be licensed to work the insomnia ward at a clinic for sleep disorders because they are a sure-fire cure! By contrast, the PBA has Randy Pedersen. In this writer’s opinion, Mr. Pedersen has continued to improve with each telecast. His knowledge of the game is vast, and his analysis is usually dead-on. More importantly, he presents this analysis in such a way that a vast majority of viewers can easily understand. Why the PWBA can’t/won’t find an equivalent (male or female) is beyond me, but if they do not find someone who can exhibit some passion or excitement among the viewing patrons, ratings will continue to suffer. Somehow, I don’t think Brian Voss (if they could get him) would hurt numbers among female viewers. Let’s be honest here … women, generally speaking, like to be entertained and they like a side order of fantasy with their reality. I see it at home all of the time. My wife is constantly looking for programming that gives her a brief respite from the hum-drum routine of the day. But somehow I think that even she (as a non-bowler) would be more likely to watch the PWBA telecasts if there were a strikingly handsome male analyst on camera. She’s even remarked about Voss’ neat appearance when I have been watching PBA finals where he’s involved. Along with some stimulating commentary, why not at least plug in some flashing colored lights somewhere, or maybe even a small laser light display to open the program? The PBA has even begun to open their programs in a manner like the National Basketball Association where the finalists are introduced one-by-one under a spotlight. They dash out as their name is called; pumping their fists with fire in their eyes. You can almost hear their hearts pounding in anticipation of the matches to come. Even the live audience is into it with loud, exuberant cheers! Repeat after me: This - is - a – good - thing!

Now, not only does the organization need to address the problems of the telecast, the PWBA also needs to "update" their image three-fold! Now I realize that we are dealing with women here, so I must be sensitive in how I address the image issue. Obviously, the PWBA, as most legitimate organizations, must concern itself with "image". I am almost certain that they want the public to perceive their members as ladies of character. But would it be so bad if the PWBA had its own version of Pete Weber? I don’t mean some Jezebel whose mouth would spout sewage on every bad shot. Just give me someone with some fire and intensity like Danny Wiseman. Someone who dares to be different. Someone with emotion. Someone with PASSION, for crying out loud! Someone with some CHARISMA! I realize that there is a fine line between trendy and trashy, but someone must step up and break new ground here! The old ground is as dry as the Sahara! If the PWBA doesn’t find this next star attraction, they are in serious trouble. So, you may ask, is there anyone in the current crop of PWBA members who fits the bill? From what I’ve seen, there is no one currently who has all the ingredients to pull this organization out of its current condition. Here is what I see to be the recipe for what this woman must possess: a) the appeal of Kim Adler, b) the power of Michelle Feldman, c) the tenacity of Wendy McPherson, and d) the staying power of Tish Johnson.

In short, the PWBA needs a savior/superstar, and they need her NOW! Who is she? Where is she? They had better hope that she is on someone’s college team, because they can’t afford to wait much longer. They had also better hope that she is a firecracker with talent and personality to spare. Nothing short of that magic individual will save this organization from a fatal implosion.

Until she comes along, I guess their best hope is to lose the panty hose and the culottes.